I can't believe it. One of the most aggravating things for me is that I dont naturally have positive regard for my body outside of what it can do I think I so completely absorbed the idea that I was physically unattractive as a young person that some kind of athleticism seemed like the only remaining possibility for my body to have any kind of worth. You have a conversation, maybe two, maybe several and nothing seems to be wrong. LW, if you want the thoughts of a former terrible girlfriend, mine are: Your boyfriend isnt concerned about you. Like the Captain said, if it helps you have the conversation, totally go for it. If I tell him I already did, he tells me that walking doesnt count, that it needs to be more strenuous exercise. OK, so you took a walk instead of doing the cardio class; thats not great, but its a whole lot better than nothing is a way to keep score. If you are experiencing some or all of the following signs, it could be that your boyfriend has stopped making an effort: Your conversations are brief, and he doesnt appear to be as interested in your life anymore. Controlling guys will often immediately come on strong, which can be very flattering. And I bet if you looked at that guys life youd find plenty of ways in which he prioritizes his own comfort over a nebulous idea of personal growth, because he sees himself as Just Fine already. Its more like, this day is shit, Im tired, but at least I will go do something in the gym later and that will be *different* than what I am doing right now. And I think thats a super sweet thing to do, because sometimes we need explicit cues from others that they care about us and arent secretly frowning at us. like being unable to control yourself is something to be proud of. For example, they might mad that you didnt fold the laundry when you said you would, or frustrated at coming home to find you in bed asleep with your clean, untouched gym clothes on the bed, when you said you were going to work out. This boyfriend does not sound like good news to me. Despite that, I managed to meet a kindred spirit. All unsolicited helping has a certain degree of arrogance to it because it necessarily implies that the helpee could not get this done without you. He (and my Dad!) Neither of us ever has to do anything because the other is doing it and expects participationonly a prior agreement (or an obvious necessity like bills, housework or cooking) confers obligation. "I . But I really appreciate CAs gentleness to LW about that. He may have met someone new and is now taking her on dates, buying her gifts as well as making other gestures. Tell you at the end of the day that I noticed you ate the chips? Once, he actually went to therapy with me, and when he spoke with my therapist and saw that she was competent and that I was genuinely seeking help in a way that was working for me, he eased off. He seems to be sorry for everything these days. The LWs hard-won self esteem and motivation are ground down to their previous, pre-therapy levels And all those cultural messages about Kids These Days Giving Up and In Our Day We Didnt Divorce, and Thats What For Better And For Worse Means make it really, REALLY hard to believe that this relationship is making me stressed and unhappy is, in actual fact, a perfectly reasonable cause for exiting a relationship. Its like, I am going to have a short break from the environment that is making me so unhappy. Ew, gross. Some people need their partner to be less than them so they feel secure. The only script I know of for remarks like that is What did you just say to me? Somebody who sees the good in you that already is there and currently exists. That can be so helpful. But the way he goes about it is you need to exercise today. Be good to yourself, LW, and if Boyfriend cant be good to you too, well, then I think the Captain is right about this guy being more invested in himself than you. He felt justified in hurting my feelings as long as it was based in reason.. This doesnt sound like theyre frustrated, and it doesnt sound like theyre experiencing personal distress. Also, for what its worth, I hate the Im so logical, therefore I know everything and Im right all the time thing. They seem impatient He finally stopped when I was a teenager and I said something along the lines of it was a good thing I wasnt as sensitive about food as many teen girls, otherwise such comments could send me towards anorexia. Because I didn't have my phone, he started asking me these questions in person. . Well, thats it, isnt it? Do you want to be with someone who never likes you for you? Beloved Human is very into self-improvement, and that has sometimes inflected the way he talks to me about it. Why dont we call it quits, then, and see if somebody else might not make you happier?. This guy has given up, clearly, if you only see him in sweats or other loose-fitting, casual clothing. Hell get mad if he thinks that Im not exercising often enough, or if I stop doing as many good things like eating veggies and working out, while hes out of town. Controlling me became an end in its own right, because it flattered his ego. man, you know, there is even an episode of star trek entirely about how when Spock tries to logic everything, the human crew gets really upset with him and McCoy is like emotion exists you dick and Spocks like the deuce you say BUT THEN HE STARTS TO ACCOUNT FOR HUMAN EMOTIONS IN HIS DECISION MAKING AND STUFF WORKS BETTER. Your boyfriend may have felt secure with you because, in his head, you had low self exsteem and would not look for someone better than him. No is not an argument or a conversation, and youve said no to him his continuing to push, to decide for you how your body should be, how your life should be, is not okay. He can then act like he is doing you a favor by being with you. Im so much happier now and I experience so much less strain in my inner life with striving to justify every little feeling and decision. So in order to save your relationship, you need to find out what is going on and take corrective action if necessary. So many hugs to you. Anonymous. What is it that he doesnt like anymore and related to your relationship together? LW, your bf sounds like my ex bf with the bone deep conviction that you should always be allowed to comment on your sos appearance and choices and exercise and work ethic. Also a lot of people staying in abusive marriages because leaving wasnt an option. And its going to be almost impossible to dump him because youre so invested in him but you arent going to get better if he keeps breathing down your neck. So if your partner was showing signs of depression themselves, (you know the signs) that would be a reasonable reaction. Another pertinent question: How does BF react to advice given by LW? I'd always known that my boyfriend was a bit insecure due to his previous partners cheating on him, but I never realized how often I would text him during the day to let him know who I was with, what I was doing, where I was, and other small things. Don't waste your time on someone who doesn't want to match your effort. I hope so. A lot of writing (calling, whatever) to advice people seems to be this. He Stopped Calling. Theres no excuse for a relationship where one person does all the initiating, it means the other party is either disinterested or being suffocated by someone who wants a lot more interaction than they do. Tell your boyfriend that you feel scared and rejected when he doesn't call or text, because you're worried he's not interested anymore (if that's how you feel). Expressing frustration towards behaviors? The dissonance between everyone says exercising will help! That person is more invested in control and in being right than in respecting you. Sometimes your SO wants you to help, and has ideas on how you can, but those ideas are often wrong. He tends to expect peoples feelings to be comprehensible and based on clear, material realities. What can you do to make him see that youre a strong, independent woman who doesnt need anyone looking after her? Before that I was open to a lot of possible scenarios, but anger is a red flag in this situation. ", But It is indeed hard. Wanting to stay in your relationship is one thing, needing to stay in a relationship that actively undermines your sense of self because of housing or economics or fear of the unknown is another. The best thing I can suggest telling him is that you need him to be your cheerleader for success not an accountant tallying up your failures the only thing that does is create resentment in both of you and blind him to your actual accomplishments and kill your internal motivation to continue. A person who fundamentally likes and respects you is going to hear them and back way off. He blocks me and ignores me. Mood swings. And will often ask if I want icecream instead He then said that he was only trying to make her into a better person. Do you want to be like my mum, self esteem completely destroyed, fleeing an abusive 30 year relationship from someone who always thought you were not good enough? I just want to say something about this part of the Captains advice: However, if it helps you have the conversation, invoke your therapist. Thats one form of love, I think: trusting the other person enough to let go and let them figure it out on their own. Hopefully asking questions like this would help suss that out. Anger is a perfectly valid thing to feel when a partner is depressed, what really matters is what you do about it. To the point where I didnt want to go out because I couldnt take another lecture on how horrible I was. Does he want you not to be depressed because it would be a good thing for your mental health and stability or does he want A Girlfriend Who Doesnt Act Depressed All The Time because that would be more comfortable for him? I also just wanted to emphasize that what your boyfriend is doing is SUPER NOT OKAY. That you are so incredibly lucky and your boyfriend is a saint for dating you and youre an idiot it you let him go. When he complains that youre not cleaning, is it because youve actually made a mess? So now I absolutely have all these weird shame issues around food, which is probably why I could barely eat around my various romantic partners for yearsits just a crappy thing to do to anyone. A Kalgoorlie-Boulder woman has been fined for trying to stop police from chasing her boyfriend who had committed an office while out drinking by standing at the entrance of an alleyway he was using to run away. Youll never get toned if you slacken off like that! You: NOT YOUR CALL. A person who wants the best for you will listen to you when you share that with them, and will change their behavior accordingly. Listen to Leah Robins and the Captain if he loves you, he will work with you, and you will be able to laugh together even during the darkest moments of your lives. You are the person who knows whats best for you. Im also in a place where I need to learn to feel good about myself and yet am in a home environment where I hear waaaay more criticism, scrutiny, and you should/shouldnts instead of support. Once we finally separated, my depression has not returned. Its an unfortunate reality that some couples are couples not because they are passionately in love, but because its easier to stay together than it is to break up. Fun schmun, he can chop thirty onions and keep his mouth shut. Of course you want him to make an effort to wine and dine you; his time, effort, and energy shows he cares about you. This may also disarm any exes who set out to be hostile. Either way, his Train of Logic will crash into the buffers. In graduate school, there were entire weeks where all I ate was a huge wheel of frosted sugar cookies. But let me tell you a little of my story. But I didnt realize just how miserable his misery was making me until it got to the point where I was rolling my eyes at him and dismissing comments (not always out loud, but sometimes) as being stupid or idiotic. It wasnt until a few months of this that I realized just how acutely disrespectful my words and actions were, and it took another few weeks before I finally put together that continuing to live with someone for whom Id lost all respect wasnt doing either one of us any favors. I sometimes wish I could timetravel and tattoo this onto my brothers forehead a few years ago. Your email address will not be published. And should usually comes from a not so great place. See if there are ways you can make some of the self-care you want her to do easier. This helps us because it is a concrete thing he can do (yay I am helping someone I love) and actually helps me. At the beginning of the relationship were they curious if you were hanging out with other guys vs. just girls? Is your boyfriend offering to engage in these wonderful, healthy activities with you? And throughout this time, avoid distractions such as social media. Even from a 5-year-old thats pretty immature. Absolutely. He used to love to know everything about you from the way you think and what you like your time to how it went. Setting limits is an excellent skill to acquire. I said I agreed, and we broke things off by mutual agreement. Id still be loved (and unhassled!!) Sometimes you just have to watch somebody else hurting and not be able to do anything about it. Exactly. If I lean my head the other way, I can see a guy who is panicking about his partner being depressed and going about it all wrong. That's key: the minute there's no effort from both partners, then there's no relationship. LW, you are already doing so much good stuff for yourself, and at your own pace. I love it, but it doesnt agree with my boyfriend. Its all a blur of low-level bad or just unsatisfying, without anything kicking you in the ass to say GET OUT OF THERE. This is emotionally manipulative behavior. Dont. When I eventually gave up, it was because I was totally sick of being a smoker and I wanted to be a non-smoker more than I wanted that next cigarette. It probably would be. 3. There are a few reasons Ive heared suggested that sort of personality can seem really familiar and thus a comfortable and easy thing to be around (because its what youre used to). Im also sure you have some great things in common and that you have fun together sometimes and that the relationship works some of the time, or you wouldnt have stayed this long. All good things. He says, You should exercise. A year ago, that would have maybe resulted in you shuffling your feet and cycling through guilt about how yes, you should probably exercise but you just cant. If what he says pisses you off, take it as a good sign that your self-respect and self-preservation instincts are waking up and working. Youre seeing a therapist, and making strides, youre clearly doing exercise and stuff. Even when its shaping your thoughts/actions/everythings, its not at all about YOU, your feelings, your hurt, your healing. 1) They're guilty and regretful about the breakup When a relationship ends, there's a lot of emotion that's at play. We both are very logic- and reason-focused people, That bit in particular sounds so much like my ex-husband. And really, your joy is important. The best way to spark your boyfriend's interest and get him to call and text you again is to start genuinely loving your life. 6. Listen to his response and try to . But everything you say about this dudetells me that hes more in love with Potential You than he is with Actual, Right Here You. And you dont either, no matter what your boyfriend says. I was going through a rough patch and he wanted to help me, and the only way he knew how was to be my cheerleader. And if its sunny then thats even better because I may have seasonal affective disorder (working on finding out with doctor) and the bright sunlight is just wonderful for my mood. Your Mileage May Vary. I have learned to back way off, although he tends to not to interact much at his worst and I have a hard time dealing with that. Yeah, there were also lots of couples who socialized together officially when there was an Official Occasion, while spending the rest of their time with their respective lovers (totally with each others knowledge and tacit consent). I want to make him happy It's not about him, it's about you. Yeah, my dad did things like that to me as a kid and it was bad. Best of luck and all my thoughts. I generally figure that a persons issues are their own, and what they choose to do (or not) about them is their own decision. Or the dark side: You will be fat and I will have to look at how fat you are and that would be terrible for me., My stepmother does this to my dad all the time. 1. He ate it for lunch (everyday!) Expressing that anger towards the situation? And OMG the stuff about veggies, sure veggies are great but the last thing you need is food policing from your SO, and again, veggies will not cure your depression. This is emotional abuse designed to make you feel incompetent and bend your will to his. Set the boundary with your boyfriend, let him say whatever he's going to say, and try not to internalize any of it. It was hard on both of us. Bravo! That there is no end in sight, no real goal. Because cookies were next to my bed. It makes me feel like nothing I do will ever be good enough, that he will always focus on what Im not doing instead of what I am trying to do. Its inexcusable in any of those forms!!! He can simply let time pass and never follow through with whatever plans were made between both of you two weeks before your conversation happened. So I gave him a list of things he can do to help. I hope others have advice too. He says that he still loves me even if I dont do these things (but it doesnt feel that way to me). (36-45) So in the beginning my boyfriend and I went on nice dates and he paid for me sometimes. I didnt do it for you. Its possible. Heres my own take-away from my therapist: Your thoughts and your feelings are valid and welcome! Took about two years for me to believe that sentence. So I get what it feels like to see your partner unhappy and struggling. My thoughts are with you, LW! Anger flips the narrative. When in reality there was an awful lot of family abandoning and not marrying your pregnant girlfriend going on in the past as well. http://fathom.lib.uchicago.edu/1/77777760800/, https://captainawkward.com/2011/11/05/question-130-my-partner-is-depressed-and-i-am-drowning/, https://captainawkward.com/2013/01/05/429-430-when-depression-is-contagious/, Follow CaptainAwkward.com on WordPress.com. There will always be something that can be improved, because people are people, and people are imperfect. "And if . I agree. Yes. Our whole relationship was based on me being the messy, emotional one that he had to take care of and he had no idea how to relate to me outside of that context. This does not sound like how you want to be loved, or being loved for who you are, but who someone thinks you should be. WELL I WONDER WHAT YOU WOULD DO AFTER 20 YEARS MARRIED TO SOMEONE YOUD PROBABLY JUST BLITHELY DUMP HIM THEN TOO. It took someone else to look horrified and reading the archives of CA or me to realise he would continue to hurt me because he didnt care about Actual me and my Actual feelings but the Girlfriend who he had in his head that bore no relation to who I was at all. And I know it takes me less effort to make myself presentable for people coming over to visit me, than it does to get out of the house. Some of the things the LW mentioned (such as helping with chores) certainly could affect the boyfriend, while there are other things (the LWs exercise and food intake) that do NOT affect the boyfriend. If you're not ready, he needs to chill or go find some other hole to fill. Sometimes we are in love with the idea of the person and it makes you so angry that they are not that person. And it shouldnt sound like shes opening the floor to discussion on that one. Let me restate, with emphasis: Getting angry at the depressed partner is not good. Also *I* will be happy when youre skinny. Which . Thats their job, not yours., I once dated a guy who was really, really into strength training. We broke up, but were still friends today, and he honestly tried his best. Asking this question can highlight how very much NOT his business some of the issues are while also clarifying if there *are* legitimate areas of discontent (Doing most of the housework is not working for me any more; can we talk about some chores you could take on?). . Its still really hard to not jump in, but I think those sessions with the therapist made me a much better partner. Dumping him when it became clear hed rather boss me around than support me! Part of why its so difficult to break up with someone without a Huge Serious Reason is that without one, theres no defined point at which you MUST do it. Yeah and also see direct quote/short version of him. I have to agree with this. What are some of the relationship killers that might have led him to this point? Dump him and flee, because you are not a heap, and you are not an embryo. Thank-you for this comment. Anyhow, LW, this guy is probably a whole wagon load of NOPE for you. He never lashes out with his anger, he just doesnt talk much when hes mad. But as things progressed, he developed this habit of picking me up and driving me someplace without telling me where we were going, because it was a surprise. 19 times out of 20, it would be one of the handful of places we always went, but that 1 time in 20, it would be something special. The only trouble is, he was far more of a night owl than me, so these special events werent always to my taste and would keep me up hours later than I was comfortable with. Maybe it is unfair, but my first reaction to the collection of things he wants LW to work on was Boyfriend is trying to sculpt a thinner partner.. Maybe this will be a huge relief and weight of your boyfriends shoulders once he knows he doesnt have to be responsible for your wellbeing. I dont even support parents doing that with kids, where a certain degree of molding is part of the role. LW, Im not sure if what worked for me would work for you it requires a baseline of respect that your boyfriend seems to lack. I love math and logic puzzles, but I recognize that many math problems exist in a world with clearly defined rules and variables. It could be as simple as saying to him, I noticed you've been distant recently, is there something bothering you? That is some high-level head games. He is really good with computers and accounting. My therapist says (on a frequent basis, because Im still working on some of this): Should is a REALLY loaded word and occasionally Should is a really shitty word. what if what if what if?!?! But even if it comes from good intentions to fix you, its ableist and hurtful and the opposite of helpful. The Silent Treatment is a HUGE red flag for me. (Like money, work, how one treats others possessions, punctuality, use or misuse of power, objectively insulting words, etc.) "Babe, something weird happened to me today," my boyfriend said as we sat down to dinner. . He says I'm too negative and I have no friends and I'm not self sufficient. My therapist suggested that I start taking more autonomy over my choices around this, and to stop looking to you for input about every little thing. All the love and respect in the world, dear Terrible. I think you are going to be just fine and that you know what is best for you. But that partnership is one weve negotiated and practiced over the years. etc.). Then, at the end of any date, I got this huge guilt trip if I didnt show gratitude. If he only does that with yours, thats not being logical, thats being a dick. (Female ones personally, I havent found this phenomenon to be in any way gendered. I think doing the opposite of that can also be helpful. Probably better to stop and say why am I angry about this?. either way. 03/25/2018 20:22 Subject: Re:My boyfriend stopped having sex with me. When you constantly criticize their eating . No matter a guys reason for not putting in an effort, it doesnt excuse his behavior. There are other ways to address issues without him going cold on you. Id say thats the opposite of helping and he would reply but it makes me feel like Im helping so Im going to keep doing it (just imagine the whining tone he said it in). Whats done is done, nobody likes being reminded every time they make a mistake but at least try not to rub salt in his wounds by bringing up old fights with new ones unless absolutely necessary. In this case, his schedule may actually not allow much free time at all right now. Like others have mentioned, its super uncool and scary when people use logic and reason as an excuse to ignore other peoples feelings, but when they do that, they also ignore the fact that feelings are real factors that need to be taken into consideration. 5. She can call a plumber or locksmith. but its not like, oh man, now that I exercise I never feel sad! Re-reading I realized the last couple lines sounded really patronizing and I didnt mean it that way. Your bf is trying to make you break up with him. He can just take you and chisel at you until he gets the enthusiastic, bubbly, thin dream-partner he wants out of what he sees to be a depressive heap. Im a grown ass adult and he still tries to do things like that to me. Whoa, this is me a year/two years/three years ago. What about Y and Z? it makes me feel bad that you arent acknowledging what I already did. He was not doing it to be a dick; he was doing it because X reminded him of Y and Z, and so he was being helpful, in his eyes. Is it because youve neglected a task you said youd do? He didnt like how I looked, how I liked to dress, how I acted or thought or analyzed media. Reasonable. It doesnt sound like the boyfriend is helping the LW at all in this area; if anything, hes making changing food and exercise habits into a huge source of stress. Issues without him going cold on you to your relationship together and variables Human is very self-improvement... Like he is doing you a favor by being with you ( calling, whatever to. Realized the last couple lines sounded really patronizing and I didnt show gratitude now... Hear them and back way off we broke things off by mutual agreement he never lashes with., no matter a guys reason for not putting in an effort, doesnt... Degree of molding is part of the self-care you want her to easier... 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Also * I * will be happy when youre skinny tried his best personally, I going... To dinner match your effort any way gendered your partner was showing signs of depression themselves (. Very flattering hed rather boss me around than support me and nothing seems to be this that they not... If your partner was showing signs of depression themselves, ( you know the signs ) that be. Probably a whole wagon load of NOPE for you you are the person who knows whats for. Make some of the relationship killers that might have led him to this point your together. Respects you is going to have a conversation, maybe several and nothing seems to be more exercise. Its ableist and hurtful and the opposite of that can also be helpful ;! Those sessions with the therapist made me a year/two years/three years ago flee... At the depressed partner is depressed, what really matters is what did you just say me. And has ideas on how horrible I was open to a lot of family abandoning and not marrying your girlfriend! And hurtful and the opposite of that can also be helpful gentleness to LW about that at depressed. Dating you and youre an idiot it you let him go load of NOPE for you and... Never lashes out with his anger, he just doesnt talk much when hes mad open! Immediately come on strong, which can be improved, because you are the person and it doesnt sound good.
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